wants

June 2nd, 2010 by iyahthought

I have asked for countless signs. I became more fond of it right after I watched the movie “Serendipity” and that was few years ago. But some of those signs were not acknowledged for they didn’t turn out that way I wanted them to be. The way my heart wants it to be. I mean most of it. That’s how hard this thing is on top of my neck. I just don’t wanna get hurt that bad perhaps. But the more I expect for something else to happen without being aware of those signs that I myself asked, the more that I feel how high the hurt had reached me. No symptoms at all. It just attacked me and it damn freaking hurts.

I’ve been in a relationship twice. Both didn’t last for a year. They always ask “What happened? What they have done to you?”.

My love story, if you would consider it as one, is a lot different from the many love stories on books and movies. I am the cause of such pain, their pain to be precise. Way back then, I always ask myself what was wrong with me.  Perhaps I know why. I could be crowned as the denial queen. It isn’t just easy for me to throw those words straight on their faces. I don’t wanna feel the guilt on seeing how hurt they could possibly feel, seeing those tears that I know will surely escape from their own eyes. But I still hurt them. It’s not easy to tell them my reasons. I just gave them one then I shut my door. So the first question should be reversed for the thing is, I am NOT the one who has been left behind. I am the one who quit.

My cousin asked me few days ago “what do you want?”, after finding out that for almost three years, after those unsuccessful relationship that I had, I am still single and I don’t even have a boyfriend. An easy question because it is about me but I couldn’t catch the words that I need to form the appropriate answer that could justify it as well. Maybe plainly I really don’t know the hell why and what do I really want. It isn’t as easy as answering what my favorite color is. Not as easy as asking me to sing. Not as easy as smiling even if you are not okay. If I am going to deal with what I truly feel and let others know it, it will only create chaos. I will surely end up getting hurt for being misunderstood. I’ve tried it once or twice. I was hurt. I’ve thought of myself throwing those painful words but I don’t remember giving one when someone ask me about my opinion when it comes to love. I am not just frank when dealing with what could really hurt a person coz I myself know how painful it is.

If you would ask me why, I could possibly answer that. It’s just hard for me to love another person when I know that for my every laugh and smile of happiness, there will be tears that will surely flow from the eyes of those that I have left behind. Is it what they call guilt? It isn’t for me. I am not a bad person as some thought that I am. (well maybe a lil).  I just wanna make sure that they had moved on. And right now, I know they had. =)

Wants. It is a lot different from needs.

I have a long list of what I want and it is quite longer than what I only need. Material things are easier to think of than that of what my heart wants. Here is some of it if you don’t mind.

1. House and Lot - it is also on top of what I need, of what my family needs.

2. Motorcycle - my brother has his own so why not wanting one for me.

3. Car - who the hell doesn’t want one?

4. Camera - like one of those professional photographers use. I really love to take pictures and capture every moments in life for my memory always fails me to remember some of those.

5. Electric guitar - an acoustic guitar will be fine though I already have one.

6. Piano - I also want to learn how to play this one. Like having my own composition.

So there they are though I didn’t finish typing them all the way down coz I don’t want you to be bored and decide to cut the crap. I better do it myself and I did.

I remembered the lines of what Peyton’s father told her. (From One three hill series). “If you will introduce me to your man, I don’t care how many tickets he had sold or songs he wrote. I don’t care about what he has done or what he does but what he really is when he is with you. I want a man who will say “God bless You” when u sneeze. I want a man who will take care of you for the rest of your life. Because that’s what your mom did to me. Just use your head and follow your heart.”

Who doesn’t want to have a man like that in the first place? It isn’t that easy nowadays to find that kind of man. So what if they say that they are. It isn’t that easy to prove it. It isn’t that easy to trust someone you barely know. It isn’t easy to find a man who will listen to every word that you will say the same way they eat their favorite food. It isn’t that easy to find a man who will fight for what he believes in and even decide on his own. It isn’t that easy to find a man who will cover your eyes while he pours chili powder on his porkchop. I know I already did but unluckily he had been taken and been left behind with an adorable kid. 

I am this close to the fairytale that I weaved a long time ago, but fate doesn’t seem to like it the way that I do. I really have to use my head first and following my heart should be next. I am doing that just in case you wanted to slap my butt with a splintered ruler.

Whenever I got to know a man that for some reason that only my heart knows why I like him, I ended up telling myself that it isn’t bad for us to be friends. Why? He already wears that shiny thing on his ring finger. Why was it always like “Its meeting the man of my dreams then meeting his beautiful wife. Well isn’t that ironic? Don’t you think?” Yeah, super ironic.

Friends. I already have lots of them but maybe nature thinks I needed more. I know that some people resort to being just friends only to console themselves. Some would say that it will take longer than those serious relationships. You will have fights but at the end of the day, you make-up for the lost hours because of your petty quarrels. If you parted ways, the communications continue and find time to see each other again. Feel free if you want to beg to disagree that you chose to be friends because deep inside your heart, there is a lil hope that someday you will be more than just friends. It isn’t bad and I think it is a good start. Well at least, you get to know each other better. You get to know his likes and dislikes. You get to know the real him.

Others often say that “Hindi kami talo” because we are just friends. It only means one damn real thing. You are not just his type. Truth hurts isn’t it?.

He is not just into you. A book that my sister wants to read. It is also the phrase that she always says right on my face. I’ve been blind or I must say been deaf. I am seeing it but I could not absorb it easily because it is the truth and like I said, truth hurts.

You could slap me again if I say that I am trying all that I could to be friends with him again. I am consistently sending him messages and buzz him all the time thru YM. I’ve been doing those lil things that once made him likes me and loves me unexpectedly. But lightning don’t strike the same place twice.

I am crazy and sometimes crazy is alright.