From the moment ate had her first cry, first smile, first step and all her firsts time, there is one person who witnessed that all. Excited to have her on his arms and see how she will open her eyes to see the world for the first time. Her first gigle brought happiness at home that no single penny could ever be replaced with. My father was there. Tatay is always there and with no other than Inay.
We are very lucky to have him all our lives. We are happy. I am happy. But....
I know for sure that every laughs and happiness that we all had, there is one little child who cried when her father left her and her mom.
I can feel her pain. Pain of every person who has been left behind because of the other family that a father needs or has to choose to be with instead of them.
The pain visited me once again when I watched the movie "I'll be there". It is about how a father showed his love for her child that he once left behind. How he showed that he wants to make up for the lost days, months and years that they were not together. I cried a little though deep inside, I could feel the pain inside each of their hearts. Then when I came home and have my FB visited, I read a post that made me cry. And here it goes: "FATHER? Lumaki ako w/out him. Normal na sa akin na wala akong ama cause since i was a kid, he is not beside us. The only thing that i remember pag nakikita ko siya nagmamano ako sa knya pero w/out communication. ilag ako sa kanya pero nagpapasalamat ako sa knya. without him i'm not here. Si Inay ang di sumuko sa responsibility para itayo ako sa maayos na buhay. i luv u n ur the best. Friends, kuya & titos. TATAY without u i'm not standing in dis place where i am now. ur lucky w/ ur 8 children na mababait, who support me since then n til now. so many thanks."
I said sorry. But it wasn't my fault so I should not say sorry she replied. I cried again. I just could not help that crying thing. Is that what you call guilt?
Yes, we are one that my father chose to be with instead of her 31 years ago. We are what they call, "The Other Family".
I was in grade four I think when it came to my knowledge that my father has another child who is older than ate. So my mother isn't his first love afterall. I didn't remember asking Itay all the questions in my mind why was it like that. Maybe because I am afraid that time for I was so young then, that Tatay might get mad at me and so as with my other siblings. So i just listened whenever i heard short stories about it. I mean, I eavesdropped. =) I haven't been told about what really happened that time. I remembered the first time I saw her first child, it was All Saints Day and Tatay and I were at San Jose Cemetery. Her name is Alona. And I am calling her Ate Alona. =) She just came near us carrying mikkiko (my cute niece =)), and held Itay's hand for blessing. Then she walked away. Itay smiled then I asked him, is she Ate Alona? And he said yes. No more questions were asked. We have had communications way back when I was in highschool thru snailmail. My ninang gave me Ate Alona's address in Japan. So we exchange letters then it came into a halt. I don't know what happened until I lost all the letters that bears her address. Years had passed then I thought of searching for her on FB, just last year I think. I easily saw her account for she was connected with my former supervisor who happens to be her cousin. We are now friends on FB. And I am happy that I found her again. The communication continues. We talked little about the past when I said sorry for what had happened. She said she has forgotten all about it though. It's all in the past.
Yeah, it's all in the past. But every moment that I think of it, I always see a little girl crying. I know that I should not feel the guilt. It's what fate wants. Maybe it knows that Inay is not strong enough to handle everything if Itay will not choose her. We will not be here on earth.
If only I could turn back the hands of time. But even if I could, I don't want Inay to be left behind coz I love her so much and I know how she would take it. But I love Ate Alona too. And if I could wish, I don't want someone being left behind coz I want everyone to be happy but I know that it isn't possible.
But then again, it happened. I could not erased that. No one could. I am happy that after all that Ate Alona had been through, she still thanked Tatay. =) I wish I could erase the pain in you.
I have this one big big wish. I wish and I hope that time will permits Tatay and Ate Alona to meet again and talk. Tatay will love that. I could see in his eyes that he misses Ate Alona so much. His eyes are all out smiling whenever we talk about her and his grandchild mikkiko. I showed him the pictures of mikkiko who is now 19 years old. She was so tall and beautiful. I even have some of their pictures printed so he could always see it everytime he wants to. I know that seeing them personally will be greatest gift that he could ever receive. I can't wait for that time to come. =)
Happy Father's day to all the Fathers in the whole wide world. I am so proud of you guys. And to Tatay we love you so much for being such a great Tatay to us. I love you! =)
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