This poem

Hope you like it.. =)

TATAY

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." - Sigmund Freud.

From the moment ate had her first cry, first smile, first step and all her firsts time, there is one person who witnessed that all. Excited to have her on his arms and see how she will open her eyes to see the world for the first time. Her first gigle brought happiness at home that no single penny could ever be replaced with. My father was there. Tatay is always there and with no other than Inay.

We are very lucky to have him all our lives. We are happy. I am happy. But....

I know for sure that every laughs and happiness that we all had, there is one little child who cried when her father left her and her mom.

I can feel her pain. Pain of every person who has been left behind because of the other family that a father needs or has to choose to be with instead of them.

The pain visited me once again when I watched the movie "I'll be there". It is about how a father showed his love for her child that he once left behind. How he showed that he wants to make up for the lost days, months and years that they were not together. I cried a little though deep inside, I could feel the pain inside each of their hearts. Then when I came home and have my FB visited, I read a post that made me cry. And here it goes: "FATHER? Lumaki ako w/out him. Normal na sa akin na wala akong ama cause since i was a kid, he is not beside us. The only thing that i remember pag nakikita ko siya nagmamano ako sa knya pero w/out communication. ilag ako sa kanya pero nagpapasalamat ako sa knya. without him i'm not here. Si Inay ang di sumuko sa responsibility para itayo ako sa maayos na buhay. i luv u n ur the best. Friends, kuya & titos. TATAY without u i'm not standing in dis place where i am now. ur lucky w/ ur 8 children na mababait, who support me since then n til now. so many thanks."

I said sorry. But it wasn't my fault so I should not say sorry she replied. I cried again. I just could not help that crying thing. Is that what you call guilt?

Yes, we are one that my father chose to be with instead of her 31 years ago. We are what they call, "The Other Family".

I was in grade four I think when it came to my knowledge that my father has another child who is older than ate. So my mother isn't his first love afterall. I didn't remember asking Itay all the questions in my mind why was it like that. Maybe because I am afraid that time for I was so young then, that Tatay might get mad at me and so as with my other siblings. So i just listened whenever i heard short stories about it. I mean, I eavesdropped. =) I haven't been told about what really happened that time. I remembered the first time I saw her first child, it was All Saints Day and Tatay and I were at San Jose Cemetery. Her name is Alona. And I am calling her Ate Alona. =) She just came near us carrying mikkiko (my cute niece =)), and held Itay's hand for blessing. Then she walked away. Itay smiled then I asked him, is she Ate Alona? And he said yes. No more questions were asked. We have had communications way back when I was in highschool thru snailmail. My ninang gave me Ate Alona's address in Japan. So we exchange letters then it came into a halt. I don't know what happened until I lost all the letters that bears her address. Years had passed then I thought of searching for her on FB, just last year I think. I easily saw her account for she was connected with my former supervisor who happens to be her cousin. We are now friends on FB. And I am happy that I found her again. The communication continues. We talked little about the past when I said sorry for what had happened. She said she has forgotten all about it though. It's all in the past.

Yeah, it's all in the past. But every moment that I think of it, I always see a little girl crying. I know that I should not feel the guilt. It's what fate wants. Maybe it knows that Inay is not strong enough to handle everything if Itay will not choose her. We will not be here on earth.

If only I could turn back the hands of time. But even if I could, I don't want Inay to be left behind coz I love her so much and I know how she would take it. But I love Ate Alona too. And if I could wish, I don't want someone being left behind coz I want everyone to be happy but I know that it isn't possible.

But then again, it happened. I could not erased that. No one could. I am happy that after all that Ate Alona had been through, she still thanked Tatay. =) I wish I could erase the pain in you.

I have this one big big wish. I wish and I hope that time will permits Tatay and Ate Alona to meet again and talk. Tatay will love that. I could see in his eyes that he misses Ate Alona so much. His eyes are all out smiling whenever we talk about her and his grandchild mikkiko. I showed him the pictures of mikkiko who is now 19 years old. She was so tall and beautiful. I even have some of their pictures printed so he could always see it everytime he wants to. I know that seeing them personally will be greatest gift that he could ever receive. I can't wait for that time to come. =)

Happy Father's day to all the Fathers in the whole wide world. I am so proud of you guys. And to Tatay we love you so much for being such a great Tatay to us. I love you! =)

and it begins here

Bonjour, Sabah-il-kheir, Zao shang hao, Guten Morgen, Ohayo gozaimaz, Maayong adlaw, Maayong buntag!

There are a lot of different ways of saying good morning. From French, arabic, chinese (mandarin), Japanese, Bisaya to cebuanao. The feeling of saying it using our own language could express how good is our morning.

This is my first post here on blogger so i want it to start with how everyone starts their day. And mine is so damn good and i would love to say "Magandang Umaga Po!" =)

I woke up with the sound of my alarm tone and it's a song that i just downloaded yesterday. If you are familiar with Katharine Mcphee then you know the song that i am talking about. It's entitled "terrified". Here is a sample lyrics of it.

You by the light

Is the greatest find

In a world full of wrong

You're the thing thats right

Finally made it through the lonely

To the other side

You set it again, my heart's in motion

Every word feels like a shooting star

I'm at the edge of my emotions

Watching the shadows burning in the dark

and i'm inlove

and i'm terrified

for the first time and the last time

and my only life

=)

here is the video.

I didn't rise but listen to the song though it was cut coz it's just an alarm. So i ended up late at work this morning. But it didn't lessen the happiness in me. hehehe.

=) I am smiling right now for reason that i myself only knows. My heart knows it too by the way. It has nothing to do with one of my dreams coz i couldn't remember if i had one last night. I'm just happy.

Maybe it has something to do with this blog site that i chose to be my new home. I created one after being so choosy. hehehe.

Yeah maybe. Maybe it's more than that.

Shhhhhhhhhhhh.

Bon Jour!

on writing

June 5th, 2010 by iyahthought

ON WRITING – Stephen King’s another book to be treasured and valued by his fans which includes me and my sister on the list. It was published year 2000 and my sister bought it few years ago. After reading it, I’m now more inspired to write and share what the part of “on writing” has infused on me while reading it in the middle of my busy life. Busy to consider for most of the time, I could only read a book while I’m on my way to the office (One reason why I’m wearing an eyeglasses now.) or if do have time less all the chores that I need to do during weekends.

I have started writing down my thoughts when I reached my 22^ndyears here on mother earth and that was November 19, 2001. I also compose poems if I am really on a good mood of doing so. When I say I write, it’s basically about how I feel the moment those thoughts feed my mind and command my hands. I have never written a story because I’m sure it will only turn out to be a total mess. There are times scenes just popped out off my mind. Scenes which I know could be a great part of a story. Yeah.. it is a love story definitely. What else will it be? I just could not start it because I don’t know how will I, with just a scene though scene-mind invaders don’t occur only once. I just could not figure out how will I connect those dots to form the fossil that Mr. King states on his book. I’m worried that my supposed-to-be readers will get confused. I’m a fan of which comes first and which comes last but I doubt if I can produce a great story. Well King might want to slap his book right on my face for me to remember all that he shares there.

Blogs. I titled my blog as Chatterbakz. Unfortunately, it’s still under my FS account. I’m still thinking of what blog site will I use for an ease access. In time I will leave that blog if I’m gonna find a good site but all my posts there will not be left behind. Why Chatterbakz? I am a chatter and I am a proud one. Though I haven’t got a chance to visit the channel that I once considered as home. I’ve met a lot of friends there. Most of them are younger that I am. Some have tasted the sharpness of thy words while some have been treated like a real family and some are more than that. It is thru chat that I’ve met a man that I treated and cared for so well. Chatting is my passion. Though in person you wouldn’t see that in me. I am a person who would just observe and listen to every word that each and everyone would say. But at the end of the day, if what I know about you is enough then surely many things will be talked about. From the simplest one to the complicated twos. If I don’t feel like talking, then I won’t talk. I can nod the whole day.

Chatterbakz. It basically contains about what I feel that day that I am writing on it. That’s how I come up with lots of words. The more my emotions pour the more the words spill. I also think of what will the reader think of my so-called masterpiece. What will they feel about it? Will I let their imaginations be a part of what I write? Do we have the same opinion? Can I make them laugh, cry, smile or be mad the same way that I do? It is a writer’s success or fulfillment if they knew that their stories are greatly appreciated, talked about, shared to someone and if they got a thumbs-up sign or even a short comment. Be inspired a little more and the next will be another thing to read.

Writing never fails to accompany me all the time. If I only need one thing to bring along with me, I will choose it without hesitation. It could clear my vague mind. It could help me think fast. It is really a stress-reliever. It could lessen my pain and my angst. It could add up my happiness and calmness. Its silence makes my imagination go wild and wicked. It never complains of being tired. Just few red and green underlines. Hehehe Like under these phrases.

I remembered one time, I was hurt with what my sister told me. I didn’t tell them about it and I have no plans of digging it deep just to tell them about it. It’s all in the past anyway. My diary knows it. Actually she knows all that I don’t want others to know. She is my secret keeper.

Now my mind is empty. And it’s a secret. Shhhhhhhhhhhh. 

fears

June 2nd, 2010 by iyahthought

They say that in everything you do, it’s nice to start with a good one. Well I guess it’s nice too to write something good in here. But basically, I have nothing good in mind right now for I was turned down twice just few seconds ago. I just smiled at it. For it’s easier to hide thru smiles than to hide your a-bit-annoyed-hurt face from everyone else here. I am done with the crying part and it’s not a bad start after all.

I am not feeling well (literally and not). I have these damn colds for like 3 days now and I still have no signs of wanting it to leave me alone though I need company basically. (Thanks God for the so much of a helper tissue) I’ve been pushing it away so hard that I could but it keeps on coming back and I don’t know where the hell this virus do came from knowing that my nose isn’t that big to accommodate them all. Damn damn damn. I thought I am done with them a long time ago.

After so many times of attempting to finish the series, I’ve continued watching “one three hill” for like 5 hours today while trying to drain my nose with that damn virus. But guess what, watching it just added them up so fast. Well it has a company and it has a name, “TEARS”. Now I’m wrong with what I typed in few sentences ago. (hehehe). It is a good series to watch and I’m only on the 3^rd season of it and as far as I know, it’s 3 seasons to go. One writer quotes there (though not the exact words coz I am not really good on memorizing now): “The one that could give you the feeling of success is by doing the things that you fear the most”. It’s not that far from what I remembered. Hehehe.

Fears. I have my own share of it. From the smallest to the huge ones. From those flying bats and “tilas” to ghost and vampires. From failing a test or even a subject to losing someone. From seeing my dreams shattered into pieces to not really seeing of achieving what I want. From my terror teachers and professors to facing those people that I’ve hurt.

In a different aspect of fears, I can say that I’ve been dealing with it for quite a long time. I’ve been battling with it knowing that someday somehow I could again be welcome to his lair. The place that I myself had once found happiness and acceptance. It doesn’t matter to me how many times I will be rejected or even make me feel that I do not exist. Time heals all wounds they say. There are just wounds that are deep and needs longer time to heal.

I’ve passed some of the so-called fear and I know for sure that if time permits, I’m going to be seeing them walking along with me through life. Coz I really have to deal with it. With them in particular. They say that life is like a crossroad. There will come a time that ours will meet and I am hoping that I’m fully prepared for it if that time comes. Fears, here I come or should I say “welcome aboard!”

wants

June 2nd, 2010 by iyahthought

I have asked for countless signs. I became more fond of it right after I watched the movie “Serendipity” and that was few years ago. But some of those signs were not acknowledged for they didn’t turn out that way I wanted them to be. The way my heart wants it to be. I mean most of it. That’s how hard this thing is on top of my neck. I just don’t wanna get hurt that bad perhaps. But the more I expect for something else to happen without being aware of those signs that I myself asked, the more that I feel how high the hurt had reached me. No symptoms at all. It just attacked me and it damn freaking hurts.

I’ve been in a relationship twice. Both didn’t last for a year. They always ask “What happened? What they have done to you?”.

My love story, if you would consider it as one, is a lot different from the many love stories on books and movies. I am the cause of such pain, their pain to be precise. Way back then, I always ask myself what was wrong with me.  Perhaps I know why. I could be crowned as the denial queen. It isn’t just easy for me to throw those words straight on their faces. I don’t wanna feel the guilt on seeing how hurt they could possibly feel, seeing those tears that I know will surely escape from their own eyes. But I still hurt them. It’s not easy to tell them my reasons. I just gave them one then I shut my door. So the first question should be reversed for the thing is, I am NOT the one who has been left behind. I am the one who quit.

My cousin asked me few days ago “what do you want?”, after finding out that for almost three years, after those unsuccessful relationship that I had, I am still single and I don’t even have a boyfriend. An easy question because it is about me but I couldn’t catch the words that I need to form the appropriate answer that could justify it as well. Maybe plainly I really don’t know the hell why and what do I really want. It isn’t as easy as answering what my favorite color is. Not as easy as asking me to sing. Not as easy as smiling even if you are not okay. If I am going to deal with what I truly feel and let others know it, it will only create chaos. I will surely end up getting hurt for being misunderstood. I’ve tried it once or twice. I was hurt. I’ve thought of myself throwing those painful words but I don’t remember giving one when someone ask me about my opinion when it comes to love. I am not just frank when dealing with what could really hurt a person coz I myself know how painful it is.

If you would ask me why, I could possibly answer that. It’s just hard for me to love another person when I know that for my every laugh and smile of happiness, there will be tears that will surely flow from the eyes of those that I have left behind. Is it what they call guilt? It isn’t for me. I am not a bad person as some thought that I am. (well maybe a lil).  I just wanna make sure that they had moved on. And right now, I know they had. =)

Wants. It is a lot different from needs.

I have a long list of what I want and it is quite longer than what I only need. Material things are easier to think of than that of what my heart wants. Here is some of it if you don’t mind.

1. House and Lot - it is also on top of what I need, of what my family needs.

2. Motorcycle - my brother has his own so why not wanting one for me.

3. Car - who the hell doesn’t want one?

4. Camera - like one of those professional photographers use. I really love to take pictures and capture every moments in life for my memory always fails me to remember some of those.

5. Electric guitar - an acoustic guitar will be fine though I already have one.

6. Piano - I also want to learn how to play this one. Like having my own composition.

So there they are though I didn’t finish typing them all the way down coz I don’t want you to be bored and decide to cut the crap. I better do it myself and I did.

I remembered the lines of what Peyton’s father told her. (From One three hill series). “If you will introduce me to your man, I don’t care how many tickets he had sold or songs he wrote. I don’t care about what he has done or what he does but what he really is when he is with you. I want a man who will say “God bless You” when u sneeze. I want a man who will take care of you for the rest of your life. Because that’s what your mom did to me. Just use your head and follow your heart.”

Who doesn’t want to have a man like that in the first place? It isn’t that easy nowadays to find that kind of man. So what if they say that they are. It isn’t that easy to prove it. It isn’t that easy to trust someone you barely know. It isn’t easy to find a man who will listen to every word that you will say the same way they eat their favorite food. It isn’t that easy to find a man who will fight for what he believes in and even decide on his own. It isn’t that easy to find a man who will cover your eyes while he pours chili powder on his porkchop. I know I already did but unluckily he had been taken and been left behind with an adorable kid. 

I am this close to the fairytale that I weaved a long time ago, but fate doesn’t seem to like it the way that I do. I really have to use my head first and following my heart should be next. I am doing that just in case you wanted to slap my butt with a splintered ruler.

Whenever I got to know a man that for some reason that only my heart knows why I like him, I ended up telling myself that it isn’t bad for us to be friends. Why? He already wears that shiny thing on his ring finger. Why was it always like “Its meeting the man of my dreams then meeting his beautiful wife. Well isn’t that ironic? Don’t you think?” Yeah, super ironic.

Friends. I already have lots of them but maybe nature thinks I needed more. I know that some people resort to being just friends only to console themselves. Some would say that it will take longer than those serious relationships. You will have fights but at the end of the day, you make-up for the lost hours because of your petty quarrels. If you parted ways, the communications continue and find time to see each other again. Feel free if you want to beg to disagree that you chose to be friends because deep inside your heart, there is a lil hope that someday you will be more than just friends. It isn’t bad and I think it is a good start. Well at least, you get to know each other better. You get to know his likes and dislikes. You get to know the real him.

Others often say that “Hindi kami talo” because we are just friends. It only means one damn real thing. You are not just his type. Truth hurts isn’t it?.

He is not just into you. A book that my sister wants to read. It is also the phrase that she always says right on my face. I’ve been blind or I must say been deaf. I am seeing it but I could not absorb it easily because it is the truth and like I said, truth hurts.

You could slap me again if I say that I am trying all that I could to be friends with him again. I am consistently sending him messages and buzz him all the time thru YM. I’ve been doing those lil things that once made him likes me and loves me unexpectedly. But lightning don’t strike the same place twice.

I am crazy and sometimes crazy is alright.